I want to start in the present. I want the bookends of my story to be as grounded as my mind is in this moment.
It’s late-morning, and I’m listening to a ’90s music radio station. I’ve accomplished everything I wanted for this day—I’m breathing, I’m grateful and I’m sober.
Peace and self-love were not foundational values of my upbringing. Chaos was modeled to me from an early age. A constant flurry of unresolved emotions, snuffed out with humor and guilt. “Nothing’s wrong,” but everything was at the same time.
I was taught to survive and to do what I was told. Childhood faded away and with it my sense of who I was, and I was left with anger. I coped with alcohol. And boy did I learn to fight!
Collective Soul “The World I Know” plays in the background
The funny thing about addiction is that you can be so sure it’s not happening to you. When who you are is buried deep, you can be whoever you want people to believe. And when you’re surrounded by people who are just like that masked version of you, why would you question it?
This isn’t a story about rock bottom. 482ish days ago, I hit a wall mentally. It was a violent awakening, and I was tired of fighting.
I let go of my drinking—after countless attempts of trying to “just have one” and pretending “I’m not going to get blackout drunk this time”—and I haven’t looked back with anything other than gratitude. For the teenager who kicked and screamed. For the 20-something who couldn’t feel anything. I love those versions of me, but I had to change.
Sobriety unlocked a hidden level of life. It showed me that I possess a strength I could believe in. It gave me freedom to choose.
It was an incredible unearthing of pieces, and my life was slowly taking shape. Spilling my guts in therapy. Removing myself from spaces I no longer wanted to be in. Prioritizing myself. I do it all, knowing that the guilt and shame that society places on us is right there, and I choose to listen to what my body needs instead.
I am actively participating in my healing at all times, and one day at a time. Reframing 35 years of conditioning. Giving grief the space it needs to be felt. Allowing myself the freedom to need a moment alone, without guilt. Learning how to ask for space when I feel smothered, without the fear of abandonment. Setting boundaries.
It wasn’t just about not drinking. It was about healing every part of my life and creating a life where I feel safe to be me. And continuing to prioritize myself.
The world is full of black-and-white discourse, of all-or-nothing thinking. Daring to be comfortable in the gray area is where I found peace.
So when life takes from you in ways that you find difficult to name, and even more unsettling to sit with, know that you have the power to shift the narrative back in your favor.
Hard-earned wisdom
Examine your relationship with alcohol, often. Substance Use Disorder is defined as a complex condition in which there is uncontrolled use of a substance despite harmful consequences. It exists on a spectrum, with the most severe forms being addictions. You can remove the stigma from the conversation on the individual level. You don’t have to label yourself something problematic in order to decide you want to make changes to your life.
Hold yourself accountable for doing what makes you feel good. I would not be sober without the Revolution Buffalo community and my commitment to a regular spin class routine. The mind-to-muscle connection is real! Amanda Meyers and her crew have cultivated an environment that helps me stay mindful—paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment and without judgment.
“All of the work that you put in this room, in this moment right here, is preparing you for what’s next. There’s a reason why you clipped in, there’s a reason why we move together.” — Sam Needham, Revolution Buffalo
Allow yourself to feel uncomfortable. If you want to change your life, you have to let go of self-judgment. That discomfort is telling you something.
Look for people who recover out loud. You might not find your motivation in an AA meeting or your close personal relationships. I found it through a few Instagram accounts. Watching @happiestsober, @themagicisinthemiddle, @youdonthavetodrink and more share their stories inspired me to be more open with mine.
