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Column: Shedding some light on curtains

Curtains are terrible. In theory, it makes sense to hang fabric over a window to block out the sun and provide privacy, but we’ve taken curtains too far. Curtains should just be curtains. They’ve become something much, much worse.

Curtains come in four colors; brownish, off-whitish, reddish, and a color that a male will call green but a female will call blue, gray or indigo, depending on her mood at the moment. There are many different patterns for curtains. None of these patterns makes any sense. These patterns defy the laws of physics in that they somehow all look different and similar at the same time.

It’s important to remember that, when it comes to curtains, there are no governing rules. Curtains simply exist to torture males. If you look at the tag on a curtain, you’ll see that they’re not manufactured or assembled anywhere on earth. There’s a hole in the ground leading straight from hell, and the curtains are periodically carried up on the shoulders of demon trolls who deliver them to the dreary second floors of department stores. These department stores are the center of the torture ring.

Curtain rods are made by humans. These humans are evil and usually in prison for terrible crimes. The evil humans do exhaustive research on the various window sizes that exist in American homes. The evil humans then make sure that none of the curtain rods manufactured actually fit the dimensions of the average home. If the average window in America is eight feet wide, the evil humans will make sure that stores only carry curtain rods that are six, 10 or 12-feet wide. Thus torturing the human male even more.

Picking out curtains is complicated and delicate. It can only begin at a time when the male is extremely hungry or tired. This way, he will be completely passive and agreeable to anything. A couple is also allowed to pick out curtains when there is an important sporting event happening.

Once a steady stomach growl or a yawn is detected, the couple must immediately embark on a journey to the sparsely populated home section of the department store. There, millions of samples of the same four curtains hang on fake walls to replicate the natural environment of the curtain. For maximum male torture, there will be Taylor Swift music playing on the overhead speakers, or something from the ‘70s.

For the next six hours, the couple will walk up and down the aisles of fake walls while the female takes pictures that she’ll never look at again. The female will slowly select certain curtains and ask the male what he thinks. The male uses this time to practice reverse psychology. If he likes a curtain, he’ll tell the female that he doesn’t like it, because he knows that she’ll only buy something that he doesn’t like. What the male doesn’t know is that the female isn’t even listening to him. She’s thinking about how she’s going to parlay this curtain excursion into a “short” trip to a different department store to look at throw rugs. The throw rugs come in four colors: brown, off-brown, browner and chocolate.

The most amazing thing about curtains is that no one in the history of the world has ever actually purchased a curtain. Females take males to department stores to pick out curtains, but they never make a final decision. It never ends. It will never end. There is no final curtain for curtains.

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